Thursday, August 02, 2007
When I am afraid...
Well, yesterday was my first day of orientation...and lo and behold...I am overwhelmed, quite freaked out, and ready to cry at a moment's notice...but I know God is good. I know He is sovereign. And I am trying to let that be a comfort right now, but it is extremely difficult. A verse He reminded me of today was Psalm 56:3, it says. "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."
How fitting it is that it says the word, 'when.'
I am thankful for everyone's prayers...I definitely feel them. I have slept pretty well the last few nights I have been here. And I have felt pretty good during the day time too; just the main thing is being scared half to death of what I am supposed to be doing here.
During our new teacher orientation today, we were discussing what culture shock is and what is involved in it, etc. and one guy, Ross, made a comment that it basically feels like you're disabled and lost. You have lost all ability to complete basic functions such as going to the grocery store for example or ordering food at a restaurant because you cannot read or speak the language. I have been really thinking about that...I feel like that is happening to me double time...not only because of the Chinese language factor and not being able to understand it, but also there is a sort of teacher/educator lingo that I am totally foreign to as well. I know I should not be caught up in my inabilities and that I am not a teacher by trade or whatever, but it really is a scary reality to me right now.
But again, I will choose to praise Him through this. I will choose to look to Him through this, even though my faith is being tested and feels weak, even though I am trying to look to Him with blinded eyes right now (because I cannot see what is next--not only next year, but even the next day)...I will trust in Him, even WHEN I am afraid. But it is hard...so very hard and I hate it being hard. grrrrrrr....(yes, you read that correctly...i growled....).
Yet I have noticed that more often than not, God ends up using the things that are hard and dreadful to bring the biggest blessing and greatest lessons to me. I'm sure others can testify to that as well! He is so true to His word...Rom.8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Amen and amen.